Reality

I have so much to write, yet the words escape me. I'm happy, content, yet pensive. I miss the balmy nights of summer! Just to be able to sit on my back porch and soak in the peace of my garden would be heaven on earth. Yet, the January snow is beautiful even in its ever deepening insistence. And spring will be here soon enough. The trick, I suppose, will be to savor it.
And that brings me to a bit of what's on my mind. I'm following my dreams. I'm learning about the beautiful world which surrounds me and composes me. I'm busy from morning to night, and still find time for myself, for a change. Yet, in that time to myself I'm missing something. My soul's not at peace.
It's not pining for a lover. It's not running desperately after success. This goes deeper than these things. It's that still point in the soul, where the spirit connects with eternity, that's not content.
Maybe it's tied to some of the events of the past few weeks. I read a book by a Christian man I respect. He encouraged having courageous conversations with people who like to gossip. So, like a bumbling idiot, I thought I could fix some broken relationships by doing so. What a fool I am!
All that I came out of the conversation with was a lot more condemnation, and a wish from these dear people who "loved me, whether I wanted to accept it or not" that I could find another community of faith where I felt more loved and accepted. What a lot of rot!
And to have them tell me glibly that it was just human nature to talk about people...as if that was a good reason for their backbiting, wagging tongues! And they wonder why people are leaving their church faster than they are coming. Who'd purposely subject themselves to such ridiculous self-justification? Well, apparently I would...
I'm so sick and tired of taking the flack for being strong and wise enough to see that some relationships are irreparable without a second party who's willing to be honest. Yeah, I broke off the relationship. I'm proud of myself for doing it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and the healthiest thing I've ever done.
Apparently, misery loves company, and despises those who choose not to be miserable. So despise me. Like i said, I'm content.