Midterms

I barely passed yet another midterm this morning.
I knew how to do most of the material quite well, and the rest of it I had a vague but good idea. Yet, as I sat there, staring at the problems on the page, it was all I could do not to bolt. My mind was blank. All I could see was the future looming with debt, and no way to pay the bills because I couldn't make the grades to get into med school.

This anxiety they call test anxiety has haunted me since getting back into school last September. I guess I have some justification for the emptiness in the pit of my stomach every time they test me. I do have a lot riding on every single test, and every single answer I put down.

But there are bigger things at stake here, believe it or not. Because it's more important that I learn how to trust my intelligence and my decision-making than it is for me to have a perfect score on some 100-level chemistry midterm. And my lack of trust in myself is the reason I can't make the grade in chem.

I realized today that I don't trust anything I do. I second-guess every single decision I make. This isn't necessarily a bad trait to possess. At least I'm not reckless. But, taken to excess, it is becoming destructive to my mental health.

I question my choice of relationship. I do this in the face of the greatest experience in love I could ever ask for. There's no logic in that. Sure, there will be times when it won't feel like happily ever after. But we are the ones who create that reality. We can make it so, if we choose to without second-guessing. He's not second-guessing. I won't, either.

I question my choice to go back to school. Maybe the loans and stress aren't worth it. Maybe I'll look back and wish I'd spent more time with my little girl, and with the man I love. Maybe if I pursue this dream of school, I'll lose both of them in the end. But maybe if I don't pursue it, I'll lose both of their respect.

I guess this one comes down to trusting others. I have to trust that when my daughter tells me she loves me, she means it with all that her young heart can feel. I have to trust that when my man says he loves me, no matter where my education takes me, he means it, too.

No matter how much I want the future to be secure, I know it never will be. I can't expect anything to stay static. People who say they love me today could turn into my worst enemies with time. That right there is my biggest fear, and for good reason: past experience.

But I'm not in the past, I'm firmly in the present, and it's a lovely present. So, I'm stepping into the abyss--again. We'll see how the organic chem quiz goes on Wednesday.