God Himself, sir

The mirror this morning was broken, I think.
The stare of a woman whose heart was in tatters,
Who loved, but with caution, too selfish for words,
Met me this morning, as I leaned over the sink.

I thought I was good with my life, with my "me,"
But the girl in the mirror didn't like what she saw.
Her hands were tied tight by my lack and my will,
And she gently reminded me I was not free.

She boldly stepped forward to meet my sad gaze,
But for years she's been hiding in busy relief.
That habit took over, as I reached for my comb--
Too easy to hide her in duty's dull maze.

This day, however, she would not retreat.
She stood in her pain, and she stood in her truth,
And would not be submitted to judgment or honor.
What choice did I have? She was there as my truth, and my eyes were her feet.


Needless to say, I woke up with a lot on my mind today. It's not that I was preoccupied, because I usually am. It's that I was just raw with the exhaustion of hard work and my efforts over the last few months to improve myself on a deep and meaningful level. It feels like I've plumbed a new depth in my soul. And, like any cave, the deeper I go, the better the treasure, and the darker the demons.

I realized today that I have held on to unforgiveness tenaciously, even when I thought I was letting it go. And I did so, because I needed something that burned strongly enough in my soul to keep me on the path to rebuilding my life. Unfortunately, I didn't see my inherent value clearly enough to let that be my purest motivation.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately, and, to quote Dale Carnegie, "to know all is to forgive all." The more I am seeing of myself, the more I am finding myself in need of forgiveness from myself, and the more I am becoming able to forgive others who have hurt me and the ones I love most. It's a beautiful process, though rather messy at times.

So, I have promised myself a little leeway. Judgment of my character is not mine to make. And if I can't judge myself, there's no point in judging others. "As Dr. Johnson said:'God Himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.' Why should you and I?"--Dale Carnegie

I'm pretty sure it's the work of a lifetime to accomplish true forgiveness, but maybe that's why God waits.