Peace

I've had my share of restlessness and disappointment in life. Sometimes I feel like I'm blindly stumbling from one roadblock to the next, never really finding open road. I'd had such sweet dreams and plans for the future, and they have each been slowly--painfully--dissolved by circumstance, my own shortcomings and anxieties, and by one particularly vengeful person.

I don't often write of him, because when we're not in court duking things out, I'd rather not think on him. But we're back in court--surprise, surprise!--and I've had cause for reflection.

A few weeks ago, I had the distinct impression that there was more I needed to forgive, more of my soul I needed to free from his sick, jealous grasp. So I did. I made a conscious decision, wrote it down, and burned the paper, signifying an end to the battle in my soul. I felt better. I felt more free.

And now, that forgiveness is being put to the test. The current court fight, in the words of my lawyer, is "pettiness: he's trying to get revenge." And I have to say I agree with my lawyer. But, for just a little bit, that realization caused the bile to rise in retaliation.

I guess the universe wants to make sure this forgiveness is deep and wise.

Sometimes it seems like this is such a long, long journey to joy. Most often these are the times when I've just whacked my shins--or my nose--against another roadblock. These are the times I've forgotten that the journey is the joy, that I've already experienced joy, and I have it at my disposal, even in the midst of storms in the land of Despair. That giant is only powerful when I forget the gifts given me, and how to use them.

So, for today, I have peace. I don't know how this battle will turn out, and I don't know when the fighting will be over. But I do know I have a God, and recently I read a verse which I felt was very applicable to my situation. It says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Maybe that sounds trite, because the way isn't smooth so much of the time. But I just figure, the bigger the roadblocks, the bigger I'll grow as a person, so that, instead of being huge boulders, they'll become pebbles in my shoe: maybe a little annoying, but nothing I can't handle.